From My Room to Ours

Were you ever so mad at your husband that you fantasized about divorce and which pieces of furniture you would want? Did you think about how you would make use of all the extra closet space? The bathroom vanity? I did!

There was a time when my husband and I were not getting along. We just could not agree on anything. Every conversation was combative. We even argued about who was going to turn off the television at bedtime! It was not very pleasant, and we trudged through each day.

He used to tell me I was bossy and super critical of him about everything. I was managing the house, taking care of the kids and the dog, and I had figured out the best way to do things, so of course, I wanted to share my wisdom with him. I wanted him to see how amazing I was ­— loving, capable, efficient. I wasn’t being bossy; I was being helpful! He just wasn’t getting it, so you know what I did? More.

He often worked at home in a room I called "HIS office." I helped him hang pictures in the room, determine the layout of the office furniture, select the color of the paint, and on and on. I was truly the most helpful person!

I called the bedroom, "MY room." The books on the bookcase; MINE, the photo albums; MINE, the dishes; MINE. Mine, Mine, Mine. Everything I like or want is mine. It used to drive him crazy, but I dismissed him.

Eventually, he just focused on work. It made sense because that was HIS.

We continued to grow increasingly distant and divorce a real possibility. I didn’t want to be divorced.

Now when I looked around the house, I was really looking at what might be mine and what might be his and what would we split. Gosh. Every room was truly filled with me. I picked out the furniture, the tchotchkes, the stuff. If I piled up all his belongings, they’d easily fit in a laundry basket. More than 20 years of marriage and living in our home and his presence was virtually non-existent in every room. Ugh.

I was motivated to see what could be done differently. I was determined to make the house “his” so he felt welcomed and a sense of belonging in all the rooms.

Remarkably, when you are looking to improve, opportunities present themselves. His aunt was cleaning out her house and my husband wanted two framed pictures which used to hang in his beloved grandma’s house when he was young. Yes! We hung them in our living room.

We placed a statue that had been in his father’s house, in our entry. With his permission, I moved some of the sports books from THE office to THE bookshelves in the den. I started to refer to the rooms as THE. All except the bedroom. That is OURS.

It was a simple tweak, really, but the difference is deep and meaningful. I learned that my words have the power to connect or create distance.