Same Story (Bad Habits)...Different Perspective.

My husband and I were relaxing in the den. He sat on the couch; I was on the big cozy chair facing him. We were each reading or playing games on our respective ipads. 

The silence was broken by him wanting to tell me something.

He started to state an idea about how we could arrange some things that needed to be done and before he finished his sentence, I shot the idea down. "No," I said, "that won't work." He sighed.

Two minutes later he expressed another thought and I shot it down with a head shake, a scrunched facial expression, and disapproving sound, unh-uh." 

His facial expression shifted from proud and calm to hurt, annoyed, frustrated and then became angry and he got up from the couch mumbling something under his breath.

In that moment, I realized I did it again. I didn't let him speak. I shot him down and dismissed him. 

Did you catch the part where he walked out of the room angrily, mumbling under his breath? 

That was another part of the problem. Or was it? 

In my mind, he walked away and immediately in my mind it became another example of how he never dealt with anything or resolved anything. He left. He avoided. Now I was hurt, annoyed and frustrated. 

Why couldn't he just speak up if there was an issue? 

What was the big deal? 

How long do I have to wait for this to settle down? Three days?

He walked off and I'm the problem? 

I wanted to stay focused on how he left the room as the problem. That kept me in a place where I was right; making him wrong. 

And that right there is the heart of disconnection. Nothing separates couples like an imaginary scorecard. 

He walked away keeping a potential fight to a minimum unless I went chasing after him and pursuing one. 

On many days I surely would have (and did!) but on this day, I made a choice to NOT follow him, and not to speak the thoughts racing through my mind. On this day, I chose to be close.

I allowed my attention to center on the fact that I hadn't given him a chance to express himself and I related to hating being cut off or dismissed. 

But I didn't want to apologize. And my mind told me all the reasons that was okay. Why should I? He never does. Why do I have to do all the hard work? Why do I always have to do everything? 

So, the silence lingered between us. We went to bed as far apart as two can be in the same bed. That didn't feel very good. It wasn't the close connection I wanted. (IFYKYK)

The next day, we were driving to do errands not really speaking to each other. It was like a pressure cooker. It was so tense. I felt tears welling up inside but I held them in. He asked me if I was even going to ask him why he is mad. 

I thought to myself, no, I am not. You are always withdrawn about something. The truth was, I knew why he was mad. I just didn't want to have to deal with it. He told me anyway. 

He told me I always so no to his ideas and thoughts without even letting him finish saying them.

Eww. I hated hearing it even though it was true.

I realized then I had no choice but to apologize. And I knew an apology would be a big slice of humble pie. There is a format to saying it which inspires connection and a format that does not. 

We drove silently for another ten minutes before I decided upon the words for my apology and said them aloud. 

And that ended that disconnection. It was that simple and that hard. He told me he appreciated it and then reached over to hold my hand. And we had a lovely day together.

If you want to again hold hands with your husband, let's talk about how you can move from disconnection to connection. Schedule a call here.